Yesterday at the studio, after seeing the gaps in between the 30-day challenge stickers beside my name, I made a conscious decision to let go of the pressure I've been putting on myself. Who cares if I don't show up everyday? Who cares if the last time I was in class was Saturday? And I should stop being scared of how my body will be in pain if I missed a couple of days. I realized that I was holding onto that fear for so long. It'll hurt no matter what anyways, one welcome and the other, unwelcome. The anticipation of pain hurts more than the pain itself.
So in response to letting that go, my muscles, my entire body opened and soaked up the heat as my towel soaked up my sweat. I had one of the best classes ever.
Then the teacher told me my backbend was beautiful! It may not mean much, that simple acknowledgment, but it did to me because despite putting a huge effort in getting a deeper backbend the past 2 months, I haven't been able to do them way I used to. My lower back screams in sheer agony during half moon and camel every class.
I remembered a teacher telling me once that we carry a lot of emotional stuff on our backs. I guess, literally too. I've been using the yoga room to get away from all of the insanity around me lately: hiding out from the longest year ever; getting over the trips taken but not wanted; distancing myself from people who I have nothing in common with; mourning the space that I used to love so much that is now suffocating, claustrophobic, and cold. No wonder my back hurts!
So I thought about what the next year is going to be like. It will be a year of focus, of movement, of change. Good change.
It will be a year of fun, of frolick, of feasts. Feast with friends who love food and yoga.
It will be a year of openness, of discovery, and of freedom. Freedom from the constraints of mediocrity and binds of the past. Freedom from fear.
It will be a year of shedding all the things and all the people that weigh too much. A year spent with people who cook and sing and dance. Oh how I love to dance! Especially when the rain comes.
It will be a year of laughter, of wonderment, of peace.
Maybe that's why this year has been hard. Just like having a regular Bikram practice as part of the foundation for my health, all obstacles endured were the groundwork needed so I can have all the good things when I need them the most.
One of the biggest years is laid out in front of me and I am going to dance my way to the top. Fun, frolick, and freedom will most definitely be welcomed.
I deserve it. Beautiful backbends or not.
Shall we dance?