It's not about me at all

The city's still asleep as I head out to teach the 6:30am class :)

It's been over a month since returning from training, and teaching has opened up a whole new world for me, beyond my imagination.  No, I don't mean this in a fairy tale sense.  Every time that I teach, I learn something new, discover something surprising, am amazed, and yes, even horrified.  

I won't lie, I struggled very much in my first few classes.  I'd go in a nervous wreck, study my dialogue religiously before class, and sweat beads are already on my back before I go in the hot room.   My confidence wavered, unsteady like a boat in the storm.  No one said it was going to be easy, but I had no idea there were going to be moments that made my head ache in anxiety.

But that's ok, I've accepted it as part of my growth as a new teacher.  I'm not supposed to be great on Day One.  Nor should I be. There are many things, oh so many things that I've discovered this early on as I thread through the teaching world and it makes me very excited, jumping-out-of-my-skin elated, to think of what's to come.  It only gets better, just like practicing the yoga.

This week, I taught a very small and intimate class and I was so happy just to be there.  I didn't think about myself or how I sounded.  I just...taught.  And watched.  And practiced with them as their teacher.  There was no anxiety at perfecting the dialogue or 'sounding' like I knew what I was doing.  I allowed myself to let go of any stumbles, mumbles, and stutters.  Yes, I let go.

After that class, I began to feel what other teachers talk about.  This feeling, almost indescribable with words.  I watched as the students smiled, exhausted but energized.  I know that feeling - the kind that you get when you had a breakthrough in class.  When you found your limit and went past it.  And the most important part to me was that it was about them.  How do I know?  Because I don't remember much of what I've said, but of what I saw in class.  I saw them working hard, focused.  I saw them go and push past their comfort zone, be challenged.

With this in mind, I'm learning to let go of my anxieties, fears of losing control, fears of not being good enough teacher.  Because I am.  I endured 9 weeks of training to be where I am, and there's no way I'm going to let fear and anxiety take away the experience of it all. 

So as they wave goodbye glowingly at 8:30 in the morning, I told myself, this is one of the best things about this job.  It's not about me at all.