To be

The past few weeks, I can't help but wonder what the universe is trying to teach me.  Is she telling me to be brave?  To have courage?  To have more faith?   And just when I think I've figured it out her plans and finally surrender to them, she spins her wheel in another direction until I'm dizzy and disoriented.  

I thought she wanted me to make a choice, to take a leap, and then to find myself amidst the rubble.  So I did.  But I guess that was only part of her plan because with each turn that she took me, another appeared.


As tempting as it is, I should not feign defeat despite the long winding road of no signs or symbols.  Because defeat is when one is stuck, choosing to be static, unmoving.


But I feel I may be standing before a lesson of the heart and I am torn, struggling between a door and an escape.  Defeat seems the easiest way out.

Carl Jung once said, knowing your darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.  My darkness?  I fill my freedom with adventures so I will not have time to think.  Or feel.  Especially when I have to feel with my heart.

But I have a hunch that she, that twisted universe, might one day want me to put my heart on the line again, to trust blindly, to stop hiding behind words, to surrender.

To let go of that white knuckle grip.

To break my independence and allow myself to need others. 

To want, to need.

To be human.

And what do I do in response?  Fly to the corners of the earth, uncover tombs and temples, just so I don't have time to think. Or feel.  Or watch pieces of me lay on the line.  

Sadly, I chose defeat.  Yes, the universe has a lot still to teach me.