Over the past two years, I absolutely enjoyed that my practice had finally become something I didn't hesitate about. The fear of falling, the disappointments of my body's limitations, the frustrations - they all slowly melted away as I matured onto my mat. I loved it.
And I knew then that I was a hatha yoga practitioner for life. I had known this for a long time, thus being one of the reasons I pursued teacher training. I was growing, moving forward.
Or so I thought.
After reaching new depths, I started settling for just the right amount of 'edge', instead of pushing healthy boundaries. While on my mat, I became routined, unadventurous. I was comfortable.
Slowly, it started to catch up to me. The past few months, I struggled to find something that challenged or inspired me. Disillusioned, the hot room was no longer the place it was once before.
I simply took up space. I felt numb.
I simply took up space. I felt numb.
As a teacher, I remain excited and enthusiastic for the students, as I am ever the cheerleader. Inside, I mourned my own yoga, grieving and aching for those days where my heart would race so fast I feel it all the way to my fingertips or be so calm that the earth stood still. My practice wavered, unable to reach that inexplicable 'amazing feeling' I've always found before. I've stopped pushing myself, I let the outside world in that hot room, allowing others to steal my peace. Still, I continued to show up with a slowly breaking heart, knowing that things have changed.
Despite this loss, the dreamer in me believes that something better is just around the corner, that this, all of this, is a test to my conviction. Because there was a time when my practice wasn't this way.
Tomorrow, I will return to the hot room. And I may fall and I may struggle. But I will also make a promise to remain hopeful even when I find myself grieving, standing on that mat.
This too, shall pass.
3 comments:
All text below quoted from Zen Mind Beginners Mind : by Shunryu Suzuki
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's there are few."
The most important thing is to not be dualistic. Our original mind includes everything within itself. It is always rich and sufficient within itself. You should not lose your self sufficient state of mind. This does not mean a closed mind, but actually an empty mind and a ready mind. If your mind is empty it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything.
"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's there are few."
If you discriminate too much , you limit yourself. If you are too demanding, too greedy your mind is not rich and self sufficient. If we lose our original self sufficient mind we lose all precepts. When your mind becomes demanding, when you long for something, you will end up violating your own precepts: not to tell lies, not to steal, not to kill, not to be immoral and so forth. If you keep your original mind the precepts will keep themselves. In the beginners mind there is no thought, "I have attained something". All self centered thoughts limit our vast mind. When we have no thought of achievement, no thought of self, we are true beginners. Then we can really learn something. The beginners mind is the mind of compassion. When our mind is compassionate, it is boundless.
If Buddhist Dharma doesn't work... might I suggest taking a little time off? Or getting a puppy? Puppies make any situation better.
Namaste!
I love what anonymous wrote.
Hi, Bebe Girl. I've been so busy, I haven't kept up to date. This will pass like you said, and you will reach new heights. I've fallen into a rut, too, as you know. Didn't want to write a post just to publish one. You and me, we're NEVER like that!
Post a Comment